By: Courtney Juvland, early childhood family educator
Parenting today feels like a constant juggling act. Another school year, another season of celebrations approaching, another week full of appointments and events crowding your schedule, another to-do list chock-full of unchecked items. As you sit in wonderment of all the balls you’re juggling, your young child approaches with a request for help with a school project, or an invitation to a birthday party requiring gift-shopping, or…or…or…
And something inside you boils over.
Sound familiar? If so, you are in very good company! So much so that the US Surgeon General recently released an advisory document entitled: Parents Under Pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Mental Health & Well-Being of Parents. That’s right–this build-up of parenting responsibilities and subsequent psychological responses has gotten urgent enough to warrant a large-scale review and issuance of an advisory on the matter.
It’s a signal that the weight we’re all feeling is not just personal. It’s a national issue.
As parents and caregivers, you likely know all too well the daily stressors you face. The surgeon general’s report outlines the specific challenges we face at each stage of a child’s development, from sleepless nights with newborns to navigating the troubled teen years. If you have more than one child and feet in multiple developmental stages, the pressure multiplies.
The stress doesn’t just affect us as parents, it spreads to impact the whole family unit. And when we worry that our stress is affecting our kids, the cycle feels never-ending. The surgeon general’s report calls attention to this vicious cycle and offers actionable ways to break it.
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As a licensed parent educator (and as a parent to adolescents) I was not at all surprised to read the surgeon general’s findings. I hear it every day in my classroom and feel it every day in my home. I and others working in health and human services fields have noticed the trend and find it concerning and worthy of such attention as the advisory is bringing to the issue.
However, the issue is so large and all-encompassing that it is difficult as a parent or as a practitioner to know where to start in efforts to create change. In the event you don’t have time to read the document in its entirety (it’s worthwhile but, at 36 pages, it's a time commitment) here just are some “can-do” ideas highlighted in the surgeon general’s report:
Value and respect parenting as being on par with other (paid) work.
I know I felt this one very strongly in my personal experience. I spent years as the primary full-time caregiver for my children when they were young, and I felt like I was part of an invisible workforce. I wished I could contribute tangible, concrete things to the family unit but our house still looked messy and our pocketbook still looked skinny. I wished for some kind of compensation or sick/vacation time or SOMETHING that gave validity to the often thankless tasks I completed each day. It is demoralizing when the larger society doesn’t seem to recognize how vital this work is, whether it is your sole daily work OR the “second shift” a parent works after getting home from, well, WORK. A general shift in cultural value on the task of childrearing, as well as policy changes that support parents and caregivers, are much needed.
Recognize that parents cannot do the work alone.
Schools, faith communities, social groups, and other community centers are vital partners in raising the next generation. It literally takes the village, and alloparents (non-parental adults who assist in childrearing) are important people in this work. For those who have time and heart to give, working in these capacities with community groups or even in your neighborhood would be powerful.
Talk openly about the struggles and stress.
In this Insta-perfect world, there is a pendulum shift taking place where parents are speaking more authentically about their experiences. I’m not advocating doing this on a social media platform, necessarily. But being a bit vulnerable and transparent about what’s difficult in parenting can be freeing for you and for those around you who haven’t yet given voice to their struggles. “The experience of raising a child can produce a range of emotions for a parent or caregiver. It can bring a sense of meaning and purpose along with experiences of joy, love, and human connection. It can also involve daunting challenges and significant, sometimes relentless, stress,” reads the surgeon general’s statement. It’s important to acknowledge the complexities of the feelings.
Foster a culture of connection with other parents/caregivers.
This is the one that gets me most fired-up, because it’s part of what I do in my profession! “In a 2021 survey, approximately 65% of parents and guardians, and 77% of single parents in particular, experienced loneliness.” If we want to address isolation/loneliness in the world of parents/caregivers, providing a setting where they can meet and share their experiences will be crucial. This can happen in real life or in the virtual space.
Finally, though the surgeon general does not list it explicitly in his conclusions about the role community partners can fulfill, parent education addresses all four of the major needs identified in the report. While I am writing letters to him and others in positions of power to bring awareness to this oversight, I also want to share directly with parents here at Doing Good Together that the parent education field exists and is poised to partner with families to support them in the stressful work of parenting.
Parent/family education can provide validation of the complexities of the work, partner with families to create a village of support to children and adolescents, provide a platform to discuss the stresses openly, and offer an opportunity to share it all with other parents going through similar stages of life. I practice in Minnesota, where we have a publicly-embedded program in every school district across the state for families of young children (Early Childhood Family Education, or ECFE.) So far, we are the only state in the country who utilizes this model, but parent education exists in some format across the nation. If you live in another state, I encourage you to explore your options at this link to connect with resources near you.
And if finding a group of alloparents, exploring parent education, and connecting with others about the realities of parenting today seems like too big a bite to take right now, start with taking care of YOU. Practicing self-care, establishing a mindfulness practice, and getting out into nature can help parents (even with the kids present).
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