Put Your Child in Someone Else’s Shoes
How good is your family at “perspective taking”? This involves perceiving a situation from someone else’s point of view, imagining what they might want and how they might feel. Sliding into someone else’s shoes helps us understand another person’s motives and emotions. And it’s a critical skill: research suggests that those with this ability are better at making friends and forming social relationships. Not surprisingly, perspective-taking also makes us more inclined to help and to act with compassion.
Fortunately, this is a skill that can be taught. Doing Good Together has long advocated practicing “180s” with your children, helping them imagine the world from a different point of view. Here we dig a little deeper into this important skill, the foundation to developing empathy and sharing kindness.
– Jenny Friedman, Executive Director
ACTION
Be your child’s “emotion coach.” Understanding emotions – both your own and those of others – is the first step to perspective-taking.
Young children: Label your child’s emotions as you move through your day together. Point out your own and other people’s emotions as well. “Sadie is crying. She’s feeling sad (or disappointed or frustrated).” Then talk about what might make Sadie feel better. Continue to expand your child’s “feelings” vocabulary. Stress that all emotions are OK (don’t dismiss them), but they are no excuse for unkind behaviors.
Older children: Talk about more complex emotions and how we can have mixed feelings, for example, being both excited and scared. Take time to listen. Avoid judging or criticizing your child’s emotions, but do talk about how he or she might respond to strong feelings in healthy ways.
Reflect on the books you read and the movies you watch. Sharing stories together is an ideal opportunity to talk about the range of human experiences, feelings, and reactions.
Young children: Point out each character’s emotions and ask how your child might feel in a similar situation. Talk about whether your child would have made the same choices as the character.
Older children: Graduate to more complex conversations. Discuss the character’s motives, and why different characters may have handled the same situation in different ways. Imagine how a story might be told from another point of view.
Problem-solve disagreements and conflicts by doing“180s.” When discussing issues or disagreements, help your child imagine the situation from the other person’s perspective.
Young children: Talk about their playmate’s feelings when a dispute arises. “How do you think Jessica felt when you grabbed her truck?” Talk about how you might help someone who is feeling sad, sick, or lonely. (“Do you think making Jamal a get-well card would cheer him up?”)
Older children: Imagine together how each participant in a conflict may have felt and what could have prompted his or her reaction. Then discuss how each person might have handled the disagreement more helpfully by considering each person’s perspective
Share gratitude with those outside your immediate circle. When you talk about the contributions of community helpers, children can begin to notice and empathize with people who work behind the scenes. How do garbage collectors feel on a hot day? Would it be hard to be a nurse when there are so many people sick? How can we show our appreciation for these helpers?
Young children: Make treats to deliver to your local fire station, decorate a thank you poster for your delivery driver or Big-Hearted Awards to express appreciation for those who made a difference for your family.
Older children: At this age, children can acknowledge someone’s help by writing letters of gratitude to folks they might take for granted: their bus driver, school cafeteria workers, their child-care provider, or the librarian.
Learn about diverse cultures, religious practices, and ways of life. Celebrate differences while also pointing out how much we all have in common.
Young children: Take them to ethnic festivals, celebrations, and restaurants; encourage friendships across gender, race, and ethnicity; and talk about differences openly. Reflect diversity in your home through the art you display, the books you read, and the music you listen to.
Older children: In addition to the ideas above, call your child out on any remarks that stereotype others. Point them out when you notice them in movies or on television. Offer books from a range of authors and viewpoints.
TALK
Talk about the value of empathy and perspective-taking and why these are important skills to practice.
What does it mean to put yourself in someone else’s shoes?
How can imagining a situation from another perspective be helpful?
How would our family be different if we didn’t consider one another’s feelings and points of view? How would it be different if we considered these feelings more often?
Does it help to understand a friend’s emotions and point of view when you have a disagreement? Why or why not?
How can we do better at imagining another person’s perspective?
Want to read aloud with big-hearted book authors?
Want to celebrate kindness and spark big-hearted action?
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READ
Milo Imagines the World by Matt de la Pena. Ages 4-8. Young readers will enjoy stepping into Milo's rich imagination as he wonders about the people around him on a long subway ride. As time passes, a few keen observations make Milo aware of a very important truth: we can't know a person's story just by looking at them.
The Day You Begin by Jacqueline Woodson. Ages 5-8. Fall in love with this lovely picture book from the incomparable Jacqueline Woodson. Savor this poetic reminder to take pride in our own stories, watch for what we have in common with others, and delight in our fabulous differences.
The Invisible Boy by Tracy Ludwig. Ages 6-9. This charming story will inspire every reader who has ever felt invisible. Make time to talk about moments you may have felt invisible – or may have overlooked someone near you.
Wonder and Auggie & Me: Three Wonder Stories by R. J. Palacio. Ages 8-12. The story of Auggie Pullman captured the attention of the world when it was first published in 2012. Auggie's unusual face and charming personality inspire an entire community to discuss what compassion, empathy, and kindness mean in practice. Auggie & Me tells the same story from three other perspectives, including that of Julian, the bully who lets his fear of Auggie's difference rule his behavior. These books are essential reading material for all who practice kindness.
Fish in a Tree by Linda Mullaly Hunt. Ages 10 and up. This is the perfect book for everyone struggling with the sense that they don't fit in. “Everybody is smart in different ways. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its life believing it is stupid.”
Out of My Mind by Sharon M. Draper What would it feel like to to be extremely intelligent, aware of everything, but unable to express anything? Ten-year-old Melody is trapped in a body that won't respond to her demands. With gentleness and surprising humor, this book brings readers along on Melody's courageous journey to middle school and past the limits of her cerebral palsy. Melody's story will help readers pay attention to the needs and experiences of others regardless of apparent abilities and surface experiences.
Because of Mr. Terupt by Rob Buyea. Ages 8-12. Empathy isn’t always easy, especially when school bullies and everyday conflicts are involved. This simple story of a big-hearted fifth-grade teacher and the students he tries to connect with gives readers a chance to see the story from many different perspectives.
INSPIRATION
The greatest tragedy for any human being is going through their entire lives believing the only perspective that matters is their own.
—Doug Baldwin, American football player